PNS341 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Troi

PNS341 show notes by a dripping wet BBW -- It’s your third show in three days, you lucky sonsabitches. Go ahead, stuff ’em in. Can I offer you a T-shirt cannon full of chocolate pudding? Ka-boom! Right in your pie hole. Kristin Chenoweth is plucky, irritating and all her cartoon voices sound exactly the same, while Robin Quivers’ quivering pussy sounds exactly like The Flight of the Bumblebee. “17 Again” made Pat’s pussy quiver. Zac Ephron dances during a basketball game – again. Man, that kid is kinda typecast. Meanwhile, Noah is practicing his two-count cooter slam-dunks for his big dance debut next week. Where the hell are Cher’s residual’s for TaB Clear? Gee, Your Downstairs Hair Smells Terrific™. Did Michael Douglas fuck Jeanne Tripplehorn in the A? How could you tell? There’s a black drag queen in Augusta, Georgia, called Fantasta. Fantastic! Susan Boyle is Dumpsy McDumpers with a good voice. Just wait until teh gayz get hold of her. End of story. Speaking of unnecessary transformations, there’s a special place in hell for the producers of “The Swan.” The contestants all come out with horse veneers, big tits and huge hair. Even the women. Dor’thea is right outside Noah’s new place, while Dor’thea’s friend is kinda pushy. The 300 shows DVDs are being sent out as fast as Old Bessie can pump them out. How to audition for your guest spot in the PNS stujoe: buy Rob drinks. This week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™ star Ed Westwick, Spencer Pratt, Lauren Conrad, Chelsea Handler, Ashton Kutcher on Twitter, Ashton Kutcher on Demi Moore, Martha Stewart, Roselyn “Russell” Sanchez, Ellen DeGeneres and Hayden Pantietear. It’s all totally irrelevant. Now that Rob’s a stay-at-home mom, he slips on his kaftan and flip-flops, opens a box o’ wine and watches Oprah. This week: cock-cutter Lorena Bobbit, skater-hater Tonya Harding, who’s now proper and has Prednisone face, and a bunch of baby-drowners. So much for Live Your Best Life. There are lots of us BBWs on Xtube, who are either getting slammed by hot guys or just sitting around eating junk. Now, they’re my kinda gals! Somebody please buy Noah a subscriptions to Plumpers Magazine. He would love it. A listener calls for advice about his relationship, because when I think about the subtle aspects of love and romance, I think PNS, don't you? Retardo-Cher takes the question. And the Don Juan of the Midwest, Pat. There’s valuable advice for you. Besides Scherzinger, the Ussy Cat Dolls are Slutzies, Stinkzies, Whorzies and Grumpy. Send your summer jams suggestions to pnsexplosion@gmail.com. Tax-i!
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PNS340 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Duece

PNS340 show notes by your lovely new nanny, Mary Poppins -- Hello, children. Our first game is called “Half-Begun is Well Done.” Let’s sing together, shall we? “Just a butt-full of dildos ...” Hurrah! That was delightful. If you have ordered the DVD, it’s on its way. Noah is calling all the chimney sweeps to help out. They’re orphans, so they can use the money. Chim chim chiree! Even though Rob is a stay-at-home mom, he draws the line at the fourth hour of “Today” and “The View.” He uses the time to open his wine. Don't slouch! It’s time to play a marvelous game called “What’s The Celebrity Memoir Called?” Come along, give me your hand, please. Marlee Matlin went to rehab? Goodness! MacGyver could have got her out of there with a Sudafed and a paper clip, I’m sure. The boys plan a lovely outing to the cinema to see Miss Beyoncé’s glossy new flick and its many thrilling catfights. Young Jennifer Hudson looks quite poorly, don’t you agree? Perhaps she has a liver complaint. Listeners telephone in their delightful questions. Let’s listen. No fidgeting, please! Traveling with a douche that has metal parts can be risky when going through airports. Do what I do: travel on clouds and umbrellas and there will be no slack-jawed fatty boombahs going through your luggage. I keep a hatstand in mine, so I know a thing or two about smuggling. Tricky, aren’t I? A question for the lovely lesbian ladies is next. How do they practice safe sex? Even though they’ve been terribly busy making their softball uniforms, the VAG girls find the time to pop in to explain. Trust me, with a 48-inch waist, you’d be awfully lucky to find anything to hit down there. Close your mouth, please. We are not a codfish. Someone calls who hasn’t showered for four days. Heavens! I play in chimneys with children, so I have to wash constantly. Especially around, you know, my magical fantasy play area. Bert outlines it chalk and everyone just jumps in. Tra-la-la! Patrick saw a play that involved vomit and ripping up flowers. That will be quite enough of that, thank you. Before we say goodbye and I float away, let’s all sing a ditty about everyone’s favorite vaginal infection, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Yes, it’s chlamydia. Oh, children, what fun we’ve had. Toodle-pip!
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PNS339 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part One

PNS 339 show notes by Mo’Nique -- Hey, baby. Lemme pull my finger outta my figgy puddin’ so’s I can press Play. OK, muthafukkas – bring it to the table. First up, we’s Inside the PNS Actors Studio with the three Cs: Cher, Celine and Cyrus. It be a penetrating interview. Gotta give it some oomph, baby. That damn girl Jennifer Aniston’s lip is hairer than my legs, and Drew Barrymore be talking shit all up like she’s Dick Van Dyke or somebody. For all you total slut bitches – I’m with you, baby, coz dick is good to me – getta pair a these L’eggs with Plan C. Ain’t nuthin getting through them, and I mean no shit, bitch: before, during and after. Who the hell keeps Mounds bars on their nightstand? Baby, I gots my Mounds in the bed. You with me? Goddamn: those crazy Bush bitches are back in the house. Who let them muthafukkas in? Patrick went to New Yawk City and saw some nasty play, Stephen Spinella in the can and gobbled himself up some cupcakes. Well, la-di-damn-da to all that shit. He also have the love that can’t speak its name ’cept on a podcast heard round the muthafukkin world, but I say be proud, baby. Or fat. Gimme a joint so’s I can get high as a bitch. Up on the Xtube, Greek Farts is planting his ass wind into people’s faces. OK, I’m cool with that. I made “Phat Girlz” remember? There’s a game where you gotta guess what flavor peoples is. My flavor flav is chocolate ripple. Do you hear me? Lotta shout outs to bitches across this World Wide Webs. Holla, muthafukkas! Wait up – you can get chlamydia from a bike seat? I’d be worried if I could get up on a damn bike. Miss Vivica A. Fox has a steamy figgy puddin for a skinny ass girl. Know what I’m sayin? In this week’s episode of “He’s Gotta Lotta Time On His Hands”, Rob tells all about “The Cougar”, “Toddlers and Tiaras” and “The Lottery Changed My Life.” You know what changed my life? Puttin a damn apostrophe in my name, baby. That took me from where I are to superstar! You’ll see: just wait for next year’s Ocscars, s’all I’m sayin. A listener drops a call from Pittsburgh and wants to know what your last meal would be on Death Row. I would eat anything. Everything. Obviously. These crazy ass muthfukkas finish their show with the song that the Scottish fat gal be singing all over the YouTubes. I say: beautiful lady, you enjoy being yourself just the way you are. Well, after you get your hair done. And maybe your nails. Then you can dream the dream, baby. And yo eyebrows. I’ll see y’all later, baby!
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PNS338 Piles of Colored Fondant Formed into Vizslas and Vag

PNS 338 show notes by this beautiful lady -- Yeah, hi. What do you think? Pretty, huh? I thought so. Rob is fully prepared and on. Noah’s not sure if he’s Hilary, Miley or Tiffany Towers. Pat’s not sure if he’s Southern, British or retarded. Yes, it’s just another ordinary day with the PNSexplosion. Tracy, Tracee and Tiffany have their Mystic Tans on and are scouting for husbands at Wrigley Field. Or at least a little muff-diving in the PortaPotties. Shet. Three cheers for Iowa, home of Mamie Eisenhower, Lara Flynn Boyle and the Eastern Goldfinch. Also, gay marriage. Screw you, San Francisco – we’re going to Des Moines! Goodbye Disneyland and hello Adventureland. We’re gonna have a fun-filled day! And a quickie abortion. Shout outs to new listeners, old listeners, “Declan Channing”, Pat’s new Facebook friends, those guys from Sidetrack the other night, current listeners and, what the hell, unsubscribers. Were you a door-slammer as a moody teen? Or will you wait until after the commitment ceremony to start up that particular drama? Good for you. There’s a bar right across the bridge from Omaha in Iowa that turns ridiculously gay for just one hour before it closes. Haven’t we all done that? TV Talk: “Project Runway” is out, “Moject Munway” is in, hosted by, I dunno, Don and Cheryl or junk. “Ace of Cakes” is just piles of colored fondant formed into vizslas and vag. On the Style Network, “Ruby” is about a redhead who wears red and her name is Ruby. Geddit? She’s 700lbs on her way to 150. Then what, huh? Get all the loose skin trimmed off and it’s straight back to mediocrity. I know all about that. It doesn’t matter what she puts on her feet, they all end up as flats. Sophia Coppola adores her. Go to your closest mall and visit Throat Potato More®. And yes, you will be having the extra gravy. Rob saw Scott, who’s doing fine, thanks for asking. Zac Ephron is the only person in the world who constantly brushes his fringe *into* his eyes – besides me. We’re both lovely. Leslie Kritzer is a star. Google her before she Googles you. Quick call: this guy at work looked just like Noah. Freakin’ freaky, right? Obvious: Tub Girl is gross. Not obvious: she’s great for parties. Noah has to get to his yoga-jazz class. It’s downward dogs with head rolls, flick kicks and ball changes. What the what? Call 206-888-GAYZ, bitches. Go on. Kissy, kissy
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PNS337 Full-face Shart in Two-seconds Flat.

PNS337 show notes by Queen Elizabeth IIWhat? I can’t hear you. Those handsy Obamas gave me an iPod and it has changed my life. I’ll never have to sit through “God Save the Queen” ever again. I was opening a hospital this morning and listening to PNS the whole time. Delicious. Rob’s back! Which stage of grieving is Hilary Duff’s career at? She’s 22, so rehab is gonna be right around the corner. Patrick and Noah had a bad-movie night watching two shitpiles: the talent-free “The Room” (you can watch a clip on Boomtacular) and yet another Ashley-Judd-gettin’-roofied-’n’-raped crapstorm, “Twisted.” The Daytime Emmys are coming up. Who will be nominated? Marnie Schulenberger or Meredith Hagner? Crystal Chappell or Marcy Rylan? I’m so excited I could wet my — oops, too late. Actually, I don’t have a clue who any of these people on daytime are, but someone sure does: Rob “I’ve Got Time On My Hands During The Day” Lindley. Mouth-breather Star Jones (born “Starlet” – no kidding) tried to be an inspirational weight-loss guru on “Oprah.” Nuh-uh, girlfriend. That’s selling ice to eskimos. Those “Whatever, Martha” girls are wretched and need a snarky fag to make it work. What are those Queer Eye faggotz doing these days? “Rescue Me” is a fire station packed to the balls with hot guys. How hot? Pat would let any one of them go the full-face shart in two-seconds flat, so you know they’ve gotta be five-alarm. Also hot: Bonnie Hunt’s warm-up guy. The warm-up crew on “Oprah” are just nazis, and Oprah herself is pushing for the 2016 Chicago Olympics. Getting a drink at Sidetrack will become a gold-medal event. Listeners who want to be on the show: email with your Skype name. Who’s dropping off the perch first: Farrah Fawcett or Patrick Swayze? More calls to 206-888-GAYZ, please! Keep ’em short and snappy, OK? If you need counseling or have a voice that sounds like the dial tone, you’re totally calling the wrong number. Pat’s off to New York to take in some Broadway shows. “9 to Gyne: The Musical” just opened, the perfect excuse to round out this shit sammie with a shrillcast of that song. BTW, Dolly: if you have any more plastic surgery, your gunt’s gonna be up where your boobs are and your boobs will be behind your ears. Stop it! I liked this show so much that I’m subscribing in the iTunes. Look at me - I’m a web-savvy silver surfer. L8R, subjects.
PNS337

PNS336 Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweet

PNS 336 show notes by this disgusting pile of crap -- Thppppppp. Oh, excuse me. Just practicing getting my fart on for later. If you think I’m hefty, wait til you listen to this show. It’s like me with extra bacon fat and more cheese shoved in. PNSexcessplosion. Ready to chow down? Martha Stewart and those whiny girls are live in the studio. Was there ever really a pet pig, mama? David J’s back to promote his XXX vid, “All Hands On Dick.” Ahoy! Did you hear the ShamWow guy got booked for fighting with a hooker? Well, wow-wee! Crystal meth - oh, yeth. Catch Pat stripping at the Lucky Whore’s Shoe on the corner of Clark and Regret. PNS is huge in Japan, where it’s called “Crazy Sexy Fun Fun Fun Gay Time Exprosion.” The Barack Obama Chia Pet is available in “Happy” or “Dignified.” What, no “I’m Pissed Because I Inherited Two Wars And An Economy In The Turlet”? Brrrrrrrrp. The Conversation Hat™ overflows with tales of early sexual experiments. Noah touched some peen and now the guy is dead. Woopsy. David J did it with a house full of brothers across the street, like the gay version of “The Virgin Suicides” without the virgins and the suicides. Noah hammered a hot dog, a kind of deviant practice I’m not familiar with. Some hot/creepy talk of teachers showering with students, David J’s bf’s big balls and the lovely Miss Pat Coté. Did you have hot teachers? Hit the comments, kids. Wrestling is hard and smells like tananana. So do I. Hey, if the head of Facebook is listening, here’s One Random Thing About Myself: I want you to choke on your lousy memes. Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweet. In Axe The Gaywads, have you ever been in a sling? We’re halfway through, so if you need to go throw up so you can shovel the rest of this in, now’s the time. The dudes at IML are totally up for anything until they have to go back to their cubicles. Pat hangs out with the stars. Next question: what’s your favorite iPhone app? Seriously? Must have been a wrong number. Speaking of gross piles of junk oozing cheese and garnished with half a pound of onions, Sally Kirkland calls in about losing at the Ocscars. She knows all about that. Frrrrrrrrrp. You’ll want to do a courtesy flush after that horror, mister. Charades in the studio mean now is the time to check your voicemail. Which child star would you like to — oh, jeesuz, what are Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweeting now? What did you used to watch after dinner? If you ate me, it would be the big white telephone connected directly to god. Rainbow yawnsies. Is Chazzy up for adoption? Who could afford the food bills? If you’re disorganized, you need new Ped-O-Files®. I would totally go see “Charlotte Ray: The Opera.” So much browning. Girls! This shit sammie closes out with a delicious, full-fat shrillcast that will take leave your feet feeling numb. Are you full yet? Do you want seconds? One more tiny spoonful? If you made it this far, you’ll need a pick-me-up shock from the complimentary biphasic defibrillators just before you shart yourself stupid. Your waitress will lube up the paddles. Clear!
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PNS335 And then there's me.

PNS 335 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Beatrice Arthur -- Hello, all you marvelous people. It’s good to Bea here. See? I’ve still got it. And by “it” I mean vestigial penis. Ha! Now, let’s listen in to this wonderful show, shall we? Noah and Patrick are back in the stujoe, joined by David J, who’s soft in Pat’s cans. I’m a little soft in the cans myself, if you catch my drift. Thank you. Thank you so much. An adorable young person called Miley Cyrus comes by to promote her new motion picture, “A Journey Into Womanhood.” She sounds like a man. Then again, so do I. Do you know Miley’s real name? Leave it in the comments if you do. Mine is Bernice Frankel. I know – it sounds like a car backing up over a grocery cart. Be careful, Miley, my dear. Hollywood will chew you up and spit you out – straight into your own hit one-woman show on Broadway. And Elaine Stritch will still be right there to steal your Tony from under you. I should know! Get a copy of the first 300 episodes of PNS - it’s $50 through pnsexplosion@gmail.com at PayPal. If that’s too much, buy my CD “Bea Arthur on Broadway - Just Between Friends” instead. It’s horrible, but it’s only $16.98 on Amazon. Time to play Make It Dirty – the NPR Edition. I listen to “All Things Cuntsidered” and “As Shit Happens.” Have you seen those “Whatever” girls? I’ve got two words for you: verbal diarrhea. Speaking of shit, let me tell you something: space docking is delightful fun. In my day we called it an Alaskan Pipeline. Who wouldn’t want a frozen log of doo-doo in their hoo-ha? Brrrr! Kentie from The Flatus Show podcast calls to ask about gay faux pas. I went to a White Party once. It was a Republican convention. Ha! Thank you. Thank you so much. In her movies, Ashley Judd is always on the verge of being raped. She needs to lay off the roofies. I had to go see Estelle’s movies when we were making “The Golden Girls.” My god, people. I mean, I loved her, even if she was only a year older than me and she was playing my mother. But “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”? I was dry retching for days. The Olympics might come to Chicago, so soon it will cost $5 a minute to park in the Loop. I’m huge in Chicago. Actually, I’m huge in my stockinged feet. Thank you. Thank you so much. The Conversation Hat is back! David J wants to know if something can make you gay. Yes, it can: watching seasons 1 through 6 of “Maude.” And then there’s me. A big shrillcast finish with “Big Spender.” Nope – aborted due to lack of cues. Oh, my. It’s up to Miley to top it off. Thank you, dear. I can’t tell you what a thrill it has been for me to be with you all tonight. Thank you so much. I love you all! Please, stop. Oh, you have.!

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PNS334 PNS to go.

PNS334 show notes by Cheers, you can call me Lilibet -- O hai! Got a light? This show comes to you at 50mph from the mobile PNS studio, Shitty Shitty Gang Bang. And Pat’s driving, so hold on — it’s gonna be a white-knuckle ride with a white jean-short finish. Squeals on wheels! The boyz are on their way to see “Beef Curtains” in an outlying suburb of Anchorage. It's a pre-Jeff Awarded show-within-a-show, so talking about it on PNS makes it a show-within-a-show-within-a-show. I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it. Kipper, a chimp at Lincoln Park Zoo, just died of pneumonia. Wink! Here, have some faeces. It’s time for super-funzies car games, so play along at home: “Tinkles or Stinkies?”, “Would You Rather?” and “Make It Dirty: the Chicago Suburb Edition.” The correct answers are “Stinkles,” “Both” and “Bumping Monsclare.” Everyone was slipped roofies on the weekend and lost their wallets, phones, keys, pants, minds, dignity and about nine hours. The First 300 Episodes DVD is heading for #1 with a bullet, so blow your stimulus package wad and get it while it’s hot. Did you see me grabbing Michelle Obama’s ass? Check it out on Boomtacular. BTW, cheers to the bloody lot of you! Hic.

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