PNS346 PNS Floor Mic® *by Mennon*

PNS 346 show notes by Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening. Happy birthday, Cher. She’s 63. She doesn’t look a day over 62. So incredible, especially as she still has an umbilical cord attached to Chazzy. It must be all the Boniva. Tonight’s show is just like the olden days: just Patrick and Noah in the stujoe. Because there ain’t no party like a PNS party, it’s time to get Geiger on the line to add that sparkle that only a threesome can bring. Ding! In this week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™: “30 Rock”, something called “Community”, Joel McHale from “The Soup”, Alan Aldi, the Aldi in Ohama (it’s on Manawa Centre Drive in Council Bluffs, if you’re looking), the gay one on “American Idol”, Shawn Johnson on “Dancing with the Stars”, and Mary Lou Retton. If you don’t who or what any of these things are, fucking Google them, OK? Even I know how to do that. Did you watch the Farrah documentary? Me neither. I’ll just wait for her to drop something onto Twitter. As for Patrick Swayze, well, good luck and all. Who was the most feminine in “To Wong Foo”? The Columbian one, though he already looked like a pretty little lady. What’s Geiger Wearing? From the sounds of it, he’s just come from a hard shift on a pole at his local tittie bar. People are still watching “Grey’s Anatomy.” Really? Probably exactly the same people who are keeping “Desperate Housewives” alive. And why is Marcia Cross shilling Mott’s apple juice – does she need the money? Noah can be just as icy and just as bitchy, so give him a seven-figure cheque. He’ll clap the clapper. It’s Cannes time, so look out for the Palme d'Or going to “Just the Ten of Us: 2.” It’s genius. TV Talk: Just like poppers and over-designed, expensive underwear, “Glee” is just made for the gayz. Paula Abdul was on QVC shilling FYG. For Your Gyne? I’ll take two, although it’ll probably give me a nasty rash. There’s something very unsavory about “Moject Munway.” Maybe it’s just seeing Isaac Mizrahi’s facelift scars in HD. Quick question for the Axe the Gaywads: what do you do to put off coming? I think about Marcia Cross, Paula Abdul and Isaac Mizrahi selling me shit. Instant wet noodle. Who would be your pick for the next celebrity president? I don’t care. All blondes look the same to me. Seriously, PNS should win a Peabody Award for inventing the Floor Mic, which picks up every single fart. “Not So Fresh Air,” brought to you by Nacho Fresh. Liz out
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PNS345 Set your eardrums to stunned.

PNS 345 -- Encore! Ten bonus minutes of aural torture. Yes, it’s a speedy little shriekcast. Set your eardrums to stunned.

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PNS344 Yiffing Kirstie Alley

PNS 344 show notes -- Hullo. I’m Kelly McGillis. I’ve joined the VAG wymyn to talk about making love, wearing thick wool, eating carbs, and making our own moist, yoghurty Birchermüesli. This is an easy, breezy show, and beautifully lit. That must be Geiger’s influence. Let’s all go to Joy’s for pot stickers and Phuket noodles later, OK? Is Noah passive-aggressive or just distracted by all the business of getting this shit sammie recorded? Paula Abdul really needs to get herself some dignity to go with her Digesics. Pat forgets to fart right on top of the mic and Noah’s new home perm looks lovely in the light. From now on, the PNS isn’t going to make fun of anyone. Or swear. Or drink. How long do you think this will this last? A listener calls to ask about dating someone he’s got nothing in common with. Oh, honey, I did that for years until I saw the light and become a lesbian. Do you know what sweetbreads are? They’re not sweet or breads, that’s for sure. Pat needed to have a C-section to rip out his 10lb food baby. And suddenly the all-new clean-and-sober PNS is over. Someone else calls in about his friend getting some course credits but I couldn’t get the gist of it. At all. Some chat about the shitters at Sidetrack and the thrilling, sordid history of each of them. Carl, you know better. What begat what on VH1? A shitload of STDs, that’s for sure. One second the show is totally in-the-moment delicious and the next it’s awkward. You’ll hear why. Another tweeky couple of Axe the Gaywads questions: What kind of furry would you be? And who’s the fattest man you’d have sex with? Yiffing Kirstie Alley should cover both bases, I guess. Pat calls time on this show to ream the crew like a blanched lime for a bonus show. Coming right up!
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PNS343!

PNS 343 show notes by Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening.The boys are back from a break doing fun and fabulous things. America’s Podcasting Curmudgeon™ Chris Geiger is in town to start his gender reassignment surgery – he’s getting a gyne put in as well as keeping his peen so he can be doing double doody – so he’s on the show. Kelly McGillis came out, so now we all have re-watch “The Accused” for the chemistry. Is someone frying bacon in the stujoe? No, the wires just need wiggling. Bea’s gone and Farrah’s not doing so good. But Noah’s dance performance was awesome – those two-count cooter slams were insane! Keep those DVD orders coming in, kids. It’s the best $50 you’ll ever spend, unless you’ve got really hot hookers in your neighborhood. Oh, lord – Starkeesha drops in for five seconds. If you don’t know who Starkeesha is, you really need to by the 300 shows DVD. Capsule movie reviews of just about everything you can see at the moment. They’re all fine. Just fine. Halle Berry is getting prepped for her big role “X-Men Origins: Shit Storm.” Patrick lets one rip and it’s totally Denanana. Can you catch swine flu if you make out with Kirstie Alley? Back to Kelly McGillis: remember how hawt she was in “Top Gunt”? That sex scene with Tom Cruise involved some serious acting. Pat fingered a cop after Rob’s birthday party drinks. Strike up the band! Actually, he did more than finger him – and he did it at the office. Boo-yeah! You have to check out awkwardboners.com and guyswithiphones.com. They’re both fabulous. Some guy outside the Sidetracks replaced his “Toodle-pip!” with “I’ll kill you!” That’s what you get for turning down an eight-ball of napalm at 5.30 on a Thursday afternoon, apparently. Quick listener call to ask Pat about being a vegetarian. Pat’s been a vegetarian since 1996, but it doesn’t stop him sticking meat in his mouth, if you know what I mean. And you know what I mean. Are you following Joy Behar (@JoyVBehar) on Twitter? What does that V stand for? Cell phones changed the movies forever. Can you imagine “Dial M for Murder” these days? It’d be called “Speed Dial 3 and Auto-Complete for Murder.” ’Nother show coming right up! Liz out.
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PNS342 I Smell Husbands.

PNS 342 show notes by a baseball fan -- Well, hi there, fellas. I’m America’s Favourite Pastime. Omigod, I mean, I love baseball and junk. Seriously, where else can you gonna find a husband these days? The Bushes – Laura, Barbara, George W., and Jenna – are in to introduce the show. How did these gay guys get the First Family to do this? What? There’s a new president? Shet. I gotta pay more attention to the news, but it's so boring. Poor Jenna – she just can’t keep out of the turlet. Been there before, girlfriend! New back-lighting in the stujoe makes Noah look like Stevie Nicks. Gimme Some Coke! Just steck it in any hole you can find. Pat recalls his lovely Sprite Nites in Peony Park. 7 Up Gold was 7 Up and ginger ale. Could use some vodka in that, I think, yeah? I can’t believe they’ve stopped making Zima. I loved that shet. The comment line – 206-888-GAYZ – is working and Judi Dench calls in to prove it. Seriously, do these gay guys know everybody? Miranda Samantha calls in and wants to speak to the VAG gals. Valerie, Alexis and Gyna talk about their musty size-48 pants. Ew. Ladies, you’ve gotta stop blimping out. You’re never gonna land a husband looking like that. Lay off the fried churros for five minutes. Don’t you wish your life partner was hot like me? I have great tits, right? You can’t ride a bike side-saddle. You can ride me any way you like. Miley Cyrus calls in to promote her book, CD and film but Daddy needs her. Omigod, I love powder-pink Cub hats! So much! Ha-ha-ha! Crying girls in the street around Wrigley Field. That’s funny to me. Imagine. Let’s go to Bar Louie for dollar burgers sometime. Do you like my hair? The boys are going to see “Cats” at a community college. Omigod, that sounds so awesome. I love kittens. Someone calls in but he’s kinda drunksies and gets called away. Probably by his girlfriend, right? Rob’s sister and her fat friend were hungies at Sidetrack. If you’re a girl and you can’t get food or cock, what’s the freakin’ point, right? I’m outta here – I smell husbands.
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