PNS333 I can haz vag.

PNS333 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening. This show is halfway to number 666, so we’re officially on a highway to hell. Just coincidentally, Rob’s back on board. It’s fast-moving funzies tonight, so please lower the safety bar until it clicks, hang on and enjoy the ride. Some listeners want to be guests but there will have be phone auditions as well as urine tests because self-medicating isn’t always performance-enhancing. Listen in as the equipment is MacGyvered back together with a little tape, a stapler and some spit. It’s time for a shrill trip down Buenos Aires way. Gobble up a queso fundido and get some real action south of the border. Wink! Is there bacon frying in the studio? Or fakon? Such a buzz! A good name for the white sister of a famous drag black queen: SuePaul. What are yours? Have you seen “Gay Chicken” on Xtube? Is it anything like LOLcatz? I can haz vag. The most disgust in the Xtube is some whiny whore getting from a big black guy. There’s your massive stimulus package. If you’ve just come out to your parents, calling 206-888-GAYZ should be your first stop afterwards. Axe a question. Leave a comment. Breathe heavily. Whatevs. Someone calls about the PNS Wikipedia page. Are you a cough away from a stinky or a sneeze away from a shart? Someone else calls in but I lost consciousness during the call. You will, too. Out. Of. It. Another caller has a question for everyone but can’t remember Rob’s name. Hey, buddy: it’s Rob! write it down. Don’t forget to watch “Keeping Up With The Sarkisians,” 9 Eastern, 8 Central. Cherilyn is brilliant. Big mega-shrill finish with “It’s A Hard Fuck Life”. You can buy a copy of the first 300 episodes of the ‘splosion and a bunch of vidcasts for $50, which is £34 in my money or 1,682 rubles if you’re Russian. Just go to PayPal and slide your cash into pnsexplosion.com to get that particular ball rolling. You know you want it. Liz out.

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PNS322 Nooner

PNS 332 show notes by This Random Woman --

Heeeeey!!! Watchya’ll doin’? I be gettin my drank on. You want summa dis? No? OK, be like that. These PNSexplosion peoples stopped me while I was running down the street with my gallon jug of wine to make a real important announcement. Here it is:

“PNSexplosion: The First 300 Episodes” is ready. Finally. Here’s how to get it:

1. Go to PayPal.com
2. Dump $50 into the PNS account: pnsexplosion@gmail.com
3. Make sure you include your mailing address!

You’ll get a DVD – signed, goddammit! – with 300 shit sammies and vidcasts. Yo ears is gonna be bleedin’!

Haven’t got a fiddy? Get yo friends together. Give 1,000 nickel beejers. Find a way. Or email Patrick and start bargaining.

I don’t know what the hell this show’s about. Everyone’s called Natasha, or somefin. They be reeeeeeeeeeal gay. Listen to it yoself. I see ya later, honey, okaaaay? Wooooooo!

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PNS331 Mandouche vs Ladydouche.

PNS331 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- A gay man in a musical? Whatever next? While Rob’s on assignment, Marc and Emily are back for round two. Here’s how to use “sharmoot” in a sentence: “Ikhlassy akhrasi ya sharmoot wa iftahy khashmik.”* Time to get down to business: lady business. Emily fields more questions about gyne, like what the hell is going on down there and how does it work? They smell like Depends, taste like Chicken In A Biskit and you can use them for off-street parking. Handy! Patrick says he once fingered a gyne in his Dodge Omni, although he was probably looking for loose change in the seats and got carried away. The tables turn when Emily and Marc ask about man-douching. Water in, precious stones out. No vinegar, no basil. What-what? 10 quick questions for Emily from virgins, 13-year-olds and clueless boys. I think we all learned something. Urethra Franklin might want a little respect, but not in that demented hat. Who sent in “The Book of Bunny Suicides”? Own up! Ashley Simpson has shruggy shoulders and the Joffrey Dancers have supertight boxes. A lovely new tune to infect your brain: “Suddenly I Queefed.” Vanity plates to consider: DIK SKR, FNGR BLST or 2PNK 1STNK. Call 206-888-GAYZ with your burning questions. Liz out.

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*Translation: “Shut up man-bitch and open your mouth.”

PNS330 Marc and Emily!

PNS330 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- Welcome to PNSexplosion. May I take your order? Two special guests in the stujoe tonight: Emily and Mark. Can you say “married heterosexuals”? Give it a shot: ˈmarɪd hɛt(ə)rə(ʊ)ˈsɛksjʊəls. Don’t panic, though – they’re the funzies kind. Pat says 17% of PNS listeners are gynes, so 82% must be cocksuckers and 1% are just assholes. Some uplifting chat about lung cancer reminds me that when I get my shift break I’m going out by the dumpsters and sucking down a Misty Menthol Ultra Light 100. Emphysema never tasted so fresh. A listener sends in the best of American cinema: “Joey Silvera’s All American She-Male Road Trip” and “Bra Bustin’ and Deep Thrustin’”, which Noah will enjoy later in 5.1-channel surround sound. Boi-oi-oing! Miley Cyrus drops by to read from her autobiography – she’s 16, for fucksake – and manages to knock a beer into the mixer with her Venetian horse veneers. Panic and hilarity ensue. And yes, she’s getting her bean flicked by that hot model. Hey, Nadya Suleman – your vagina is not a clown car. Emily’s working up a case of fetal alcohol syndrome before answering listeners’ questions about lady parts. Americans love soft, round things, which explains both why men like boobies and Kirstie Alley’s entire career. What do you call your vagina? I call mine the Maj Vaj. Works for me. Tonight’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moment™ stars David Boreanaz, Jayden Rayne Boreanaz, Mischa Barton’s clueless parents, Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou. Gesundheit! Noah makes a valiant attempt to identify a Kardashian: close, but no cigar. Gayle says Oprah never gets anything, so I guess her $1.5 billion pile of cash means jack shit. How do you fix a broken vagina? You can’t – just get a new one. Watch the “Betwixt the Show” vidjoe on the PNSexplosion Podcast page over on Facebook, and dump some comments on the PNS blog, Boomtacular.com. Here’s your McSkillet Burrito with Sausage, Cheese, Bell Peppers and Onions. Would you like bowl-spattering, blood-flecked diarrhea with that? Oops — too late. Next, please.

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PNS329 JFG Mayo

PNS329 show notes by special guest, Jackeé Harry -- Miss Jackeé in the house, y’all! I am excited, I am very thrilled and I am, ooh, vibratin’ to be telling y’all about this here Penis Explosion. That sound kinda dirty. He-he! OK. What they talkin’ about here? Farts? What the hell? I gotta talk to my agent. Why that girl wanna put a mic near her ass? Wait — that’s a man? Damn! Now they be talking to a boy called Andy from Tennessee. Why they want him on this show and not a cert-i-fied su-per-star like me? Oh, well. He sounds nice enough. He’s got a jar of JFG mayonnaise and a Sony Cyber-shot. We should get together, Mr Andy. We could have us a real good time. Hoo! Giiirl, he sound der-licious! I don’t know who these JonBenets or Caleys or Chandras or Natalees are. They all sound very, y’know, white. But I know who Lil’ Kim is and I sure know who Little Debbie is. Mmm-hmm. Unwrap me a smile or, even better, unwrap me a box of them Chocolate Fudge Swirls – and I mean now! Someone calls in to ask when you can tell your child is gay. My baby’s daddy was my hairdresser from Joyce’s Exquisite Styles & Hair Care. You can do your own math on that one. I need to gets me a real man. I wanna do my own thing thing and more of it! Kate Winslet, don’t you be calling up this show and talking about yo damn Ocscar! You ain’t never won no Image Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series and guess what: you ain’t never gonna, either. I gotta go buy me a Hoveround. Ooh, Mary!

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PNS328 PNS Bareback Edition

Show notes by her Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- God save me, the Queen. Christ, I love a bareback quickie and that’s exactly what this show is: fast, hard, dry and dirty. Yummers. Rob’s still rehearsing for “Wings: The Musical.” I think he plays the Crystal Bernard character. Crystal Bernard once recorded a gospel song with her father on an album called “Don’t Touch Me There.” Seriously — WTF? Anyhoo, Noah has a bug up his ass but he’s not mad at you, he’s mad at the internets. And who can blame him? Lovely listeners cough up some cash through PayPal for fun fuel and get shout outs. Why don’t you try it sometime, huh? I’ve never farted during a yoga class, but I did once shart while christening a ship. Honk! Elizabeth Berkley groans through her pique turns, just as I’ve groaned through most of her post-“Showgirls” career. Did you see “Student Seduction” or, as it’s known in Italy, “Troppo sexy per Josh”? There’s two hours I’m never getting back. Pat’s nervousness + wine + pad thai = a thrilling conclusion to the show. The router springs back to life and so does Noah, which is the cue to shut this shit sammy down and turn around a bonus show. They’re coming thick and fast this week, just like His Royal Highness Prince William. Slurp! Wipe the “PNSexplosion Podcast” fan page all over your Facebook. You won’t regret it. Liz out.

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PNS327 Mariska Magdolna Hargitay *plate smash*

Show notes by her Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening and welcome to the New. Stu. Joe. You can take a look around if you go to Facebook and search for “PNSexplosion Podcast”. Become a fan while you’re there. Or not. What do I care? I have millions of fans, except I call them “subjects”. Noah has moved into his new palace, so shrillcasting is on hold until he figures out if his new neighbors can stand living next to Celine Dion, the cast of “Dreamgirls” and Jenna Bush. Mama! What never, ever gets old: videos of fat fucks being dragged along by speedboats being strangled by twisted-up parasails. I think I just pooped myself a little bit. Rob’s away rehearsing his new show, a musical about an aphasic stroke victim. Strike up the band! Things get huffy with some Dust-Off because nothing says “good times” like that cheap difluoroethane buzz. Patrick fesses up that he huffed a 3M product back in high school, but you just know it was probably Post-it® Flags. Caulk talk: Patrick’s is browning and turning inward. Isn’t DVR delicious? America’s Podcast Curmudgeon, Chris Gieger, joins the discussion via satellite and reveals he is currently DVRing everything on the air. What do you DVR? Coming very soon: The Ultimate PNSexplosion Collection – The First 300 Episodes will be available on RapidCher. Chazzy was named after Mommy’s first movie, “Chastity”, which came out just after Chazzy was born. Chazzy should be thankful Mommy made that movie - otherwise her name would have been “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean.” Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™ starring Eva Longoria Parker, Mariska Magdolna Hargitay and the KKK: Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian, chucking wads of cash at their party guests. Those hefty Armenian gals are just so damn classy. Come on, kids – spread the word about the ‘splosion: review this shit sammy on iTunes and Twitter the twat out of it. Call the Gayz on 206-888-GAYZ. Liz out.

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